Attention — 13 February 2005
A few good ways to please your woman

“I don’t know what she wants”, “I can’t understand her”, are common statements made by men about their women. Well, women can be mysterious, but need not be confusing, and pleasing women is not that complex. Here are some ways men can successfully please their partners.

1. The Courting Man

Most women fall in love with men who are in their courting mode. Men know how to best care for their women in the early stage of the relationship. They are attentive, listen well, bring flowers and gifts, compliment often, suggest fun activities, are cheerful and enthusiastic and help the woman feel appreciated and cherished.

Regrettably, once the relationship is established, men move on to their provider role and often abandon the courting process. Women yearn for the continuation of the attention and the special emotional connection they originally felt.

A man, who can preserve some of these habits of courtship during the relationship, is likely to have a happy woman whom he can easily understand. He will also spare himself her annoyed, frustrated and critical demeanor. Both mates end up feeling pleased.

2. The Listening Man

Women feel loved when they are listened to. Having the attention of her man when she talks helps a woman feel valued. She wants to know that she can capture the man’s interest even when her conversation’s content is ordinary.

Men tend to take care of their women by being problem-solvers. What women want is empathy- not solutions. A man is wise to deal with a woman’s complaint by appreciating her frustration, rather than by providing a way to reduce her angst. A listening man responds to the emotional underpinning in addition to the content of the woman’s words.

Women often speak while they think. Staying with the woman’s process rather than insisting on the “bottom line”, helps her feel loved rather than misunderstood. Men’s task- orientation makes them concentrate on what they need to do, rather than understanding that the doing is in their patient attentiveness.

A listening man is one who is willing to ask for more details when a woman speaks and positively respond to her emotions. A verbally responsive male also initiates conversation eliciting opinions from his woman and valuing her input.

3. The Affectionate Man

Women want to feel loved prior to being amorous. Since there is no measuring instrument for love, it is gauged by the man’s behavior. An affectionate man compliments his lover for being physically appealing and desirable. He verbally appreciates her beauty, charm, personality and nature and touches her tenderly. Women usually do not welcome blatant sexual gestures without a loving context. Most women resist sexual advances that are not preceded with an emotional connection through talk and affection.

Foreplay begins by making a woman feel loved, appreciated, desired and cherished. Romantic gestures, cards, gifts, flowers, loving words and actions, enable a woman to be more receptive to her man’s physical advances.

3. The Appreciative Man

Women get much of their self-esteem from pleasing others. An appreciative man lets his woman know how well pleased he is with her. He may appreciate her behavior, her thoughts and feelings, her personality, talents, role, and competence. He may cherish her internal and external beauty and speak freely about his joy with her.

An appreciative man also helps his woman stay pleasing by letting her know what he values about her behavior and how she can change the actions that displease him. When he expresses it in a kind and loving tone she feels supported and most willing to alter her actions to further please her man.

4. The Sharing Man

Women feel valued when they are included in their partner’s life. A man who shares his work concerns and pleasures, talks of his recreational, athletic, or intellectual endeavors with his woman, allows her to feel as an integral part of his life. Women love to listen to all the details and feel included when the man shares his world.

A sharing man solicits his woman’s opinion, advice and recommendations and considers her input with respect. He treats her needs with reverence and attempts to accommodate her wishes whenever possible.

Sharing couples have a connection of friendship, respect and partnership that is often evident to all who meet them. A man who is able to include his woman in his life is often an emotionally healthy and secure individual who has a more meaningful love life.

So, “What does she want?” and “ How can I please her?” can be answered in part by the following:

• Keep the courtship going throughout your relationship. She is less likely to be displeased and critical when she is adored.
• Listen attentively to your lady daily; it is part of being a loving partner.
• Avoid solving her problems or thinking of what tasks she is assigning to you when she speaks.
• Provide empathy “ I see how difficult it is for you to be criticized by my mother.” Rather than “Just do what she wants and then she won’t get on your case”.
• Be physically affectionate and verbally adoring. When she feels loved she will be a more responsive partner.
• Share your life with her in a respectful and appreciative way. She is likely to be honored by your attitude and your friendship and love will be enhanced.
• Be appreciative of her being and doing – she will be pleased and enrich your life.

February 6, 2005

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About Author

Offra Gerstein, Ph.D. is a licensed psychologist in clinical practice in Santa Cruz, California for over 25 years, and specializes in relationship issues for couples and individuals for improved quality of life. Her work includes: mate selection, marriage, long term relationships, gay and lesbian couples, work relationships, parenting issues, family interactions, friendships, and conflict resolutions. Offra has lectured extensively to various groups, conducted support groups for several organizations, and has been writing a weekly column "Relationship Matters" for the Santa Cruz Sentinel since 2001.

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