Monday, December 15. 2008
Help your partner with aging ... Posted by Offra Gerstein, Ph.D.
in A. Tools for Couples Happiness at
20:06
Help your partner with aging problems by monitoring changes
One of the most dreaded conditions of aging is Alzheimer’s disease. Many middle-aged individuals joke about their memory and function failures as a way to alleviate their anxiety about these changes. They may also do so for reassurance that their experiences are within the normal range of aging and not the start of a mental decline. How couples deal with these frightening changes can be hurtful or helpful to each of them and their union.
Most people notice some changes in their mental acuity as they age. That is normal and akin to physiological losses such as muscle tone, speed of reflexes, or pace of walking. However, the doubt about whether the mental changes are manifestations of the normal aging process or the start of a more serious deteriorating condition is anxiety producing. This assessment is not only difficult for laymen, but is often hard for medical professionals as well. According to the Harvard Mental Health Letter “One analysis of participants in a cardiovascular study estimated that 19% of those ages 65to 74, and 29% of those older than 85 had mild cognitive impairment: an intermediate state between normal forgetfulness that occurs with age and the more pronounced thinking deficits that characterize dementia. About 10% to 15% of people with mild cognitive impairment develop dementia each year and at least half develop dementia within five years, most of whom will develop Alzheimer’s disease. Yet, 20-25% of people with mild cognitive impairment regain normal functioning in time and others remain stable.” Since there is no standard neuropsychological or physiological diagnostic tool to determine who will deteriorate further, stay stable or regain function, the assessment is left to the physician’s judgment based on family members descriptions of the individual’s daily and cognitive functioning. Worrisome signs include significant impairment in job performance, hobby engagement, social or practical skills changes as well as attention, logic, verbal abilities, recall, comprehension or planning deficits. As a partner, you are in the best position to notice the changes in your mate’s level of functioning. However, it is unwise to highlight these observations to him/her. Since mild cognitive impairment may also cause anxiety, contribute to depression, apathy or irritability, create balance and coordination difficulties, pointing out these symptoms may cause fear that can exacerbate these symptoms. The most helpful role you can play is to notice, observe and monitor the areas in which you identify changes, so you can later describe them clearly to the treating physician. The Academy of Neurology recommends that once a physician diagnoses a patient with mild cognitive impairment, a follow up visit including available cognitive tests should occur every six to 12 months followed by neuropsychological tests done every one to two years. There are no medications yet specifically approved for mild cognitive impairment, but some are used for Alzheimer’s disease. Emotionally, observing a partner’s level of functioning deteriorate is disheartening. Yet, it may be no more than a normal aging process or a reversible condition about which you should not become alarmed. • Treat the changes you observe in your mate with the same optimism you would react to your own changes in functioning. • Abstain from diagnosing your partner - it is a challenging task even for professionals. • Be helpful as a monitor and recorder of data to be shared with a physician. • Do not point out to your mate his/her memory failures or behavioral faux pas. • Encourage regular exercise and initiate activities that help with language and mental development such as crossword puzzles, scrabble, and other games. • Take a class together, learn a new language, listen or take music lessons, paint, or undertake new creative hobbies. • Read the same book, articles, listen to lectures or educational programs and discuss them with each other. • Remember to treat your mate with the same love and kindness you would want to receive. Thursday, December 11. 2008
For a more passionate connection - ... Posted by Offra Gerstein, Ph.D.
in A. Tools for Couples Happiness at
16:34
For a more passionate connection - flirt with your partner
Flirting, a communication behavior intended to attract attention and/or sexual interest is welcomed under some circumstances and frowned upon in others. It is accepted in courtship initiation, discouraged in the workplace and under-emphasized within committed relationships. Yet, flirting can be very helpful in charging couples’ intensity by expressing their joyful appreciation for and attraction to each other.
With the exception of single people being flirtatious during dating, flirting has been discouraged in most other circumstances. Being labeled a flirt is often associated with being deemed not serious, perhaps inappropriate, disrespectful, immature or even unfaithful. Research by Dr. Yarab and associates found that both men and women expect high levels of jealousy, if their partner’s were to engage in extra-dyadic (out of the couple’s relationship) flirting. Extra dyadic flirting was also considered unfaithful behavior. Dr. David Dryden Henningsen’s research yielded six motivations for flirting: Sex motivation, relational motivation to increase intimacy in existing relationship, exploring motivation for starting a romantic relationship, fun motivation, esteem motivation to enhance one’s own self-esteem, and instrumental motivation to gain rewards from another. Most people have participating in at least one of those forms of flirting, though some people claim that they are either aversed to, unschooled in or principally avoid being flirtatious. Others describe themselves “just friendly” when they hope to receive better services or products at a reduced cost in situations where flexibility exists. Some openly state that they enjoy harmless, non-sexual flirting as a fun communication method. Research by Drs. Lee and Guerrero supports these claims that flirting tends to also emerge as a unique factor independent of romantic attraction. Dr Scheflen coined the term quasi-courtship to describe the same flirting behavior seen in courtship initiation behavior, but with no sexual intent. Even non-sexual flirting can cause difficulties to one or both parties. Office sexual harassment cases, for example, may be initiated by a poor delivery by a fun intentioned and less socially aware individual or by misread quasi-courtship intent, among others. Flirting is partially instinctual and women often initiate the contact. Dr. Monica Moore, who spent more than 1000 hours observing singles and cataloguing fifty-two behaviors defined as flirtatious, such as: hair flipping, lip licking, pouting and smiling coyly concluded that when a man approaches a woman for a first dance, it is not bravery, but a response to a behavior pre-approved by the woman. David Givens, author of Love Signals concurs, ”A man rarely approaches a strange woman without receiving some indication beforehand-almost always a nonverbal cue.” When two people in a loving committed relationship elect to be flirtatious with each other they are safe to do so without the threats and complications of flirting in other situations. Not only can couples feel freer to playfully flirt with each other - it is a wonderful way to recharge their personal, emotional and sexual spark. • Remember your courtship and you will be reminded of how to flirt. Begin with loving, sexual, playful thoughts about your partner. • Use your eyes to convey your love, stare intently and smile. Hug, touch tenderly, and initiate dancing and playful acts. • Tell your mate what of his/her physical and sensual attributes you most admire. • Remind your partner what he/she used to do in courtship that aroused you. • Play your song/s and reminisce of your earlier days, even if you have been together only a short time. • If you are the female, remember that you are the “signal” giver. Your mate will respond. If you are the man, read her cues carefully. • Be bold in creating romantic environment that is arousing for you. When you feel good about yourself, you convey the enticement to your mate. • Flirting affirms your lover’s desirability, reduces stress and facilitates emotional and physical intimacy of a much higher intensity for both of you. Thursday, December 11. 2008
Overcoming the dating jitters Posted by Offra Gerstein, Ph.D.
in C. Dating and Mate Selection at
16:32
Overcoming the dating jitters
Teenagers do it, adults do it and even older folks do it, yet at any age dating is viewed with hesitation, reservations and even fear. Why would people be so uncomfortable about the process that may eventually lead them to their desired goal of being happily coupled with their beloved mate? And what can they do to reduce the discomfort and expedite the positive outcome?
Dating is not one of the life skills that are formally taught anywhere. Teenagers who become interested in finding a boy/girl friend are left to their own devices since schools, parents, or religious institutions do not provide youngsters with dating education. Even when young people observe their parents’ successful interactions, it still does not model early courtship sequences. So peers end up emulating each other, none of whom are truly knowledgeable or experienced with dating rituals. Young adults are often at an equally awkward state of resuming dating once they are no longer coupled. A handsome 29 year old platoon commander just returning from a second tour of duty in Iraq blushingly confesses, “I was trained and feel confident about managing my men and making critical life and death decisions during action, but feel intimidated and scared to ask a girl out.” Though some of the 14.6 million women and 10.3 million men living alone in the U.S. may not chose to date, for others, dating frequency is not as common as may be expected. In one study at the University of Michigan Institute for Social research, Jerald Bachman, Ph.D. found that 50 percent of 18 year olds went out at least once a week compared to only 25 percent of 32 year olds. Divorced and widowed older adults who desire to have a permanent companion may be even more perplexed about the dating process and practices. They have been distanced from doing so for years and realize that the norms and expectations may have changed. “What am I expected to do on a first date? “ asks a shy 57-year-old widow. “It feels so awkward to even be dating at my age.” Aside from lack of experience or training at any age, fear is a compelling hindrance to dating. Psychologist Michael Broder, author of “The Art of Living Single” states, ”It can be the fear of being hurt, rejected or involved, and it can stem from a history of having been hurt or of traumatic relationships. People can be very proficient in other parts of their lives, but the fear of dating can make them stay alone or pine for the relationship they left.” Since being rejected is a very painful and an ego deflating experience it is understandable that people would recoil from any situation that may trigger their own self-doubt or require them to hurt an interested party. The statistical probability of mutually finding an appealing match is low for any given date. This causes some people to become quickly discouraged with the dating process. • Understand that because the choice of a loving mate is so crucial, it is, by default, a tension inducing process. • View every date as an interview of a candidate who is applying for the most important job of becoming your life partner. • Abstain from worrying about the impression you make. Present your true self and concentrate on assessing your date’s potential for another date. • Personal appeal is a very complex and is mostly associated with the other person’s childhood, history, upbringing and intuitive tastes. Thus, it does not reflect on your appeal and desirability if you do not match his/her preprogrammed image. • Schedule the first date for a short time that can easily be extended if mutual interest occurs. • Expect to have a good time. Meeting any person, even the least suitable partner, is never a failure and can be a learning and enriching experience. Thursday, December 11. 2008
Touch your partner for greater ... Posted by Offra Gerstein, Ph.D.
in A. Tools for Couples Happiness at
16:31
Touch your partner for greater health and happiness
Many partners who feel insufficiently close to their mates experience loneliness, isolation, helplessness and even despair about restoring their connection bond. They often suffer in silence, then attempt to talk to their partner, perhaps temporarily succeeding in improving their contact, before retreating to their unhappy detached co-existence.
They describe it as follows: “We are just like cordial housemates”, “We don’t fight, are nice to each other, but are not really happy”, “ We get everything done well, our work, home and children are fine, but we are not connected.” This state of couplehood does not necessarily reflect loss of love, disinterest or detachment. It may be a natural phase of leveling the initial excitement and enthusiasm as the pair settles into life’s routines. Yet, their loss of emotional intimacy breeds great discontent, simmering resentments, helplessness and for some a quiet resignation mixed with deep grief. A wonderful, simple tool to create greater closeness, intimacy, health and happiness for couples can be achieved by increasing physical, non-sexual touch between the mates. Many studies show that touch, caresses, hugs and holding hands are physically and emotionally healthy and increase couples’ happiness. Dr. Matthew Hertenstein at DePauw University in Indiana reports, “Our study is the first to provide rigorous evidence showing that humans can reliably signal love, gratitude and sympathy with touch.” Accuracy rates ranged from 48 to 83 percent, comparable with studies of emotions expressed in faces and voices. The healing impact of touch reported by more than 100 studies conducted at the Touch Institute at the University of Miami School of Medicine found, “faster growth rate in premature babies, reduced pain, decreased autoimmune disease symptoms, lowered glucose levels in children with diabetes, and improved immune systems in people with cancer.” Recent research at Bringham Young University of 34 married couples, ages 20 to 39 found that hugging, kissing, massaging and holding hands lowered blood pressure, decreased the stress hormones in the blood and elevated Oxytocin- a hormone believed to reduce stress and increase bonding. Psychologically, women report feeling supported and protected when their men hold their hand. It is a sign of caring and bonded commitment. Some men are reluctant to hold their mate’s hands in public. They either resist the possible emotional impact it may convey to others and prefer to show their affection in private, or may view it as a compliance with their female partner’s demand, which may feel compromising to their autonomy. Our culture understands and accepts hugging as a form of closeness and emotional support and caring between people. Physical contact even between men is delighted in at times of joy and celebration, such as winning an athletic competition. During grief, trauma and loss, people naturally huddle, hug, or caress each other as they silently release their sadness and quell their horror. We unabashedly express physical delight in playing with our pets. We caress their backs and bellies, rejoice in their tail wagging and get more deeply bonded with them every day. Parents freely hug and embrace their children on a regular basis as a sign of love, support, affection and happiness. We need to bring the nonsexual physical touch into daily practice in our primary committed relationship as well. • Appreciate the healing magic of touch for your partner and for your mutual connection. • Realize the physiological benefits of reducing stress and increasing health for both of you as you touch, hug, kiss, massage or caress each other. • Convey your love, support, appreciation, admiration, kindness and more through tender touch without having to find the best words to express these emotions. • Holding your partner’s hand in public does not diminish your autonomy. It spells out your capacity for tenderness, which only empowers you. • Practice touching each other daily. Use the nonverbal expression of warmth and caring as you witness your relationship connection dramatically improve. Thursday, December 11. 2008
How to prevent your sweet baby from ... Posted by Offra Gerstein, Ph.D.
in Parenting young children at
16:30
How to prevent your sweet baby from souring your relationship
Everyone loves a new baby. The nine-month’s parental anticipatory excitement culminates with the birth of your mutual creation- the highly welcomed sweet baby. For many unprepared parents the less than sweet side effects of the new baby sour their relationship. This unhappiness is preventable.
Every baby is a miracle. Naturally, parents are fascinated by this wondrous outcome of their mutual love. Our culture also supports the magical quality that a new life adds to the family and highly promotes families. Though some parents may be light heartedly advised that their lives will never be the same after their baby’s arrival, they dismiss it as a limiting factor and trust that caring for their beautiful baby will only enhance their intimacy. Drs. John and Julie Gottman in “And Baby Makes Three”, found that 67% of the couples studied experienced a lowering of their happiness during the baby’s first three years of life and were also twice as likely to divorce. “When a baby arrives, a couple's intimacy deteriorates. Sex, romance, and passion often decline. The relationship shifts its center to the baby. Husbands and wives who were once friends and lovers no longer have time for each other. Dating stops entirely, and long conversations disappear. Both parents get lonely, and can be drawn to others outside the marriage. Most affairs occur after children come. Family time is now battle time.” One often-overlooked cause of reduced marital happiness for new parents is the physical hardship of pregnancy and delivery. Pregnancy and childbirth are very taxing processes for a woman’s body and psyche, even if her nine months were normal and uneventful. After birth, the mother’s attention is solely focused on her infant, often to the exclusion of her own and her partner’s needs. The sensual and tender intimacy between mother and baby often replaces for her the previously desired intimacy with her husband. It is not to say that fathers do not develop intimacy with their babies as well, but it usually does not replace their ongoing desire for intimacy with their wives. When the woman is less interested in physical intimacy, her partner often experiences a sense of exclusion and rejection. That may lead to hurt, frustration and anger. These emotions, at times, are at the core of the fights couples engage in that did not exist in their pre-baby era. The couple’s previous sole attention to each other’s needs through conversations, emotional and physical attention, curiosity, activities and frequent appreciations, is decreased and may create feelings of abandonment, loss and loneliness. Caring for an infant also brings to focus the couple’s parenting styles and ideas that may not match. Thus conflicts may occur for the first time. • Make time for each other every day for a short “check in”: a hug, kiss, touch and warm exchange, and reiterate your love and desire for each other. • Share your parenting idea of the day, compromise and agree on a plan. • You can date, a very young baby is easily transportable and is usually content in your happy presence. • Remember that babies may not understand your words, but can very easily absorb your energy. Be loving and positive with each other also for your infant’s sake. • Stay connected and become a good team. It reassures your child and he/she feels safe, secure and happy when you are cooperative and loving of each other. • Discuss your parenting differences. Remember that just because you were raised this way and it turned out well for you, does not mean that it is the ONLY way. • Above all- be kind to each other. You are still the two wonderful people who fell in love, adored each other and were blessed to unite. For your sake and your baby’s remember this and exhibit the love that can enrich all of you. Thursday, December 11. 2008
How to help an addicted mate become ... Posted by Offra Gerstein, Ph.D.
in A. Tools for Couples Happiness at
16:28
How to help an addicted mate become a connected partner
Addiction impacts many families in the United States. It is not only a health and survival issue but also a distancing factor destructive to partners.
According to Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration’s report in 2006, “over 22 million individuals have a substance dependence or abuse problem in the US”. Alcohol Health & Research World states, ”nearly 14 million Americans meet diagnostic criteria for alcohol use disorders.” The 2003 National Survey on Drug Use and Health quotes, “an estimated 4.7 million Americans used prescription drugs nonmedically”. “In a given year, approximately 1% of the U.S. adults (3 million) meet criteria for pathological gambling”, reports the National Council on Problem Gambling. These are just a few of the addictive categories. Addiction causes couples to become emotionally distanced and individually isolated. The mate of an addicted individual is often either a participant in the activity such as being a co-drinker, becomes an addict of a different substance, is a critic, or a co-dependent (a deferring mate who subjugated his/her needs to the partner’s ways and inadvertently supports the partner’s addiction). None of these choices help repair the damaged connection between the mates, - they only splinter them apart. When both partners indulge in substances, even if not to the same degree, their emotional connection is lost. Though they are in the presence of each other - they are actually emotionally absent from each other. When the addictive substance rules both individuals, it extinguishes the possibility that intimacy can occur between them. Often, when one partner is addicted to one substance the mate may be addicted to another. The spouse of an alcoholic may have an eating disorder, may become obsessed with exercising, shopping, socializing or other activities. Some of these actions may be less destructive or even healthy, but they still separate the mates and create an emotional estrangement between them. Some partners of addictive mates try to alter their partner’s destructive habit by criticizing, lecturing, chastising, monitoring, reprimanding, educating and preaching. None of these well- intentioned methods are effective in altering the addict’s ways –they only serve as additional excuses for the escalation of one’s addictive behavior. This attitude further distances the mates and causes deep misery for each of them. The co-dependent mate excuses the partner’s addictive behavior by explaining it as a response to stress, minimizing the habit’s destructive effects for the user and the family, vindicates the addict by highlighting his/her true fine nature or justifying the addiction as being an untreatable disease. The co-dependent person is usually non-assertive, and permits the addict’s conduct by normalizing the behavior while experiencing personal helplessness. Here again, intimacy is precluded as both mates are in denial about their reality and impotent in making the necessary changes for creating a healthy lifestyle and love connection between them. If you are in a relationship with an addicted mate: • Realize that the addictive behavior is destructive to your partner’s health, to your relationship connection and to your family’s wellbeing. • Do not participate in the behavior that you can use in moderation but your partner cannot. • Avoid solving the emotional distance by getting into your own addiction, even if it is not a harmful one. It still distances you from each other. • Do not attempt to treat your partner. Accept that effective treatments are available by addiction specialists. • Do not justify, normalize, or excuse the addicted person’s behavior. Be firm in insisting that your mate get treatment. You may need to use your love and presence to force your mate to receive the help he/she needs. • Participate in your mate’s recovery process as advised by his/her treating professionals. • Insist on couple’s work to reconstruct a new life patterns that are healthy for both of you. This will draw you closer and restore true intimacy to your relationship. Thursday, December 11. 2008
Be a healer- emotionally support ... Posted by Offra Gerstein, Ph.D.
in H. Coping with Trauma at
16:26
Be a healer- emotionally support your friends
Everyone experiences some difficulties throughout life: hardships, struggles, health, family relationships and losses that often produce highly charged emotional reactions. Though we cannot be prepared for the impact of these painful emotions - the support of others can and does help ease the stress we feel.
Some people see themselves as strong, autonomous and not in need of the emotional support from others. Yet, the moral and emotional support of friends has been shown to be critical for wellbeing. Dr. Irwin Sarason summarized several research studies that concluded, ”Good friends are good for your health”. His study of students at the Navy’s submarine school, found that students who had a friend whom they could trust if they got in trouble and with whom they were able to “be themselves”, suffered less physical illness than other students undergoing the same stressful training, with few friends. Many studies cite the value of emotional support to patients suffering from a variety of medical conditions. Several Stanford University studies showed that breast cancer patients who participated in support groups lived longer than those who did not attend. Beneficial findings were also reported for patients with other forms of cancer, heart diseases, and other chronic and/or life-threatening medical conditions. People in addiction recovery rely on the emotional support of those who understand their struggle. Grieving individuals are reassured by the compassionate support of caring friends. One need not be a former patient with the same condition, a recovered individual or a trained professional to facilitate another’s emotional hardship. All people can do so through empathy, kindness and true caring. However, sometimes the best intention may, inadvertently, cause more stress than soothing. For example, trying to cheer up a depressed loved one may actually cause the individual greater isolation and unhappiness in not feeling understood and not being able to please others. Dr. Coyne, a team psychologist at the University of Michigan states: “While friends and family are buffers against stress, they are fallible ones.” He describes it occurring in some cases where the helping individual is also personally impacted by the upsetting life-changes, such as in supporting a spouse in a prolonged recovery from a heart attack, or for some parents struggling with a troubled child, between close friends, or for a guilty overprotective spouse. When one is personally affected the capacity to support may become compromised. Dr. Wortman studied 94 people whose child or spouse had been killed in a car accident. They reported that some remarks intended to be consoling ended up being disturbing to the bereaved. For example: “I know how you feel” was received as dismissive. “This will pass”, or “Don’t be upset”, felt judgmental and disrespectful of the grieving individual’s experience. I use the imagery of a heartstring that connects one individual’s heart to another. When we transmit caring, love and empathy, the string is comfortably taut - not pulling, and not sagging loosely. Our calm presence transmits healing energy without demanding, expecting, or compromising our caring. True support requires an authentic presence without an agenda, which means, being available for the person in need without attempting to change his/her ways, experiences or emotions as we transmit our healing emotions. To be emotionally supportive: • Convey your caring through a hug, a touch and an attentive, caring gaze. • Say, “I’m sorry” to the bereaved, or “I am here for you” to the ill or distraught individual. • Abstain from citing similar situations with positive outcome, how you overcame a similar crisis, or positive platitudes. It is not about you. You are there to support your friend. You may later say: “How can I help you?” or “What do you need right now?” Respect the answer. • Emotional support begins with a loving concern that offers the person in crisis the option to speak or be silent while being honored by your comforting presence. Thursday, December 11. 2008
When times get tough, find your ... Posted by Offra Gerstein, Ph.D.
in A. Tools for Couples Happiness at
16:24
When times get tough, find your strength in your mate
The current economic conditions have given rise to a marked increase in anxiety for Americans. High gas prices, the collapsed mortgage industry, housing worries, the erratic downturn fluctuations on wall street, tight credit, banking woes, and rising unemployment have left most people worried and insecure about their economic survival.
As people’s anxiety soars and with no clear options for improving their future, depression, hopelessness and even despondency afflict many individuals. In New York, calls to the Hopeline Network from people feeling depressed and suicidal have increased by 75 percent since August 2007. A poll Taken by the American Psychological Association in April found that three out of four people were stressed due to money concerns, which is likely to even be higher now. ValueOptions, Inc., the fourth largest U.S. provider of behavioral health and wellness services, reported that requests for help about home foreclosures, bankruptcy and other financial difficulties increased by 89 percent this year as compared to last year. Rich Paul, their Vice President said that worries about finances and housing “causes marital conflict, extreme stress, anxiety, depression”. Hospital admissions for psychiatric care and substance abuse have increased by 10 percent this year over last year and outpatient services rose by 5 percent for the same period as reported by one Minnesota-based United Health agency. The anxiety felt by so many is understandable and appropriate, when one’s economic stability is threatened. Anxiety is the emotion associated with uncertainty and powerlessness. The less control one has over the stress-inducing factors the greater the distress and panic. Being emotionally trapped for an extended period of time without seeing a way out is conducive to disease, physical and mental illness, addiction, and severe marital distress. When communities, not just individuals, share the same distress, it further magnifies the panic and helplessness each person feels. It leads to further isolation and for a few to drastic measures of desperation. Couples do have the support of each other and should remain a strong team in times of external pressures. It is easy to turn one’s frustration on a mate, who is near and available. However, that is most unwise and only increases distress within the family. What couples can do is worry privately and forge ahead as a team: • Realize that though most factors are out of your control, some are within your power to manipulate. • Abstain from taking out your frustrations on your mate or family. They are your core of strength and realizing it will fasten your resolve to resort to behaving by your higher standards. • Discuss your emotions with your mate without exacerbating each other’s dire view of the worse case future. • Proceed with practical steps. Itemize your financial threats and devise a plan of action. Determine who you can consult and what YOU can do to improve the issue. This step counters helplessness and immobility with energetic forward movement. • Analyze your budget and determine how you can reduce some optional expenses. Mutually deciding how to spend and save more wisely is empowering. • Distract yourself from obsessive fear-inducing thinking: limit television viewing, reduce conversations with peers about how badly things are going, initiate hopeful thoughts and discussions about economic recovery, read for pleasure, seek humor and laughter as much as you can. • If you encounter sleeping, eating, or sexual changes, deep sadness, loss of interest in previously enticing activities, relentless preoccupation with your woes, do consult your personal physician. • Trust that the dire situation will improve. History taught us that economic recovery and the emergence of prosperity have occurred before and thus are likely to happen again. • Relish what you and your family do have. As a couple you have each other and being a united team will reduce your vulnerability and facilitate your transition to better and more secure times. Thursday, December 11. 2008Caring for elderly parents a challenge for boomersIf you are a baby boomer, you are likely to be among the thirteen million other adults who are involved in caring for their elderly parent/s or in laws. You are probably active in providing practical daily activity help, medical supervision, financial guidance, and decision consultations. This experience is physically and emotionally taxing on many levels. According to the 2005 Campbell-Ewald Health survey 56% of baby boomers provide their parents with help on at least a once a week basis and 22% do so daily. The challenges and rewards of caring for aging parents are greatly magnified for the 25% of boomers who actually live together with their parents. Lori Laurent Smith, Senior Vice President of Campbell- Ewald Health and a health care marketing expert said: “Our research confirms that boomers are committed caregivers who have great influence over their parents’ health care decision-making.” So many of those decisions, which may be easier to make for yourself, are extremely hard to make for parents who are either physically or mentally ill-equipped to do so. . The role reversal from receiving support, guidance and wisdom from parents to providing it for the parents, bewilders the baby boomers and burdens both generations. Being in charge of the seniors’ affairs while having to safeguard their elders’ self- respect, dignity and autonomy, is a delicate and frustrating task. Another challenge of caring for elderly parents is watching their parents decline. The deteriorating condition of the parent collides with the boomers’ desire to keep viewing their seniors as active, vibrant, autonomous and self-sufficient. Deep sadness is aroused when the adult child acknowledges the down sliding condition of the parent he/she loves. It may also, knowingly or unknowingly, frighten the adult children to view their parents’ life course as a precursor to their own. Watching parents decline is disheartening and painful. Guilt is another common emotion that adult children feel in caring for their parents. Still being healthy, able-bodied and self-sufficient affords the boomers freedoms that are no longer available to the infirmed parents. It is hard to enjoy oneself, knowing that the parent is left behind, unable to partake in equal pleasures. Frustrations and anger rise for boomers when their parents, who are also conflicted about their own dependence and loss of power, attempt to assert themselves through resistance, displeasure and criticism. Doing one’s best to love, care for and accommodate a parent and then encountering frequent complaints and disapproval, leaves the boomer child feeling unsuccessful, displeasing and defeated. Though in the above survey 41% of boomers caregivers felt frustrated, 37% were overwhelmed and 25% expressed guilt, the positive emotions they received from helping their parents helped balance their difficulties. 53% of adults caring for elder parents felt appreciated, 51% prided themselves as being responsible, 44% felt they were loving, 24% were grateful and 22% were proud of themselves. If you are responsible for the care of your elderly parent/s, • Understand that your role of caring for your parent/s is by definition, a physically and emotionally challenging undertaking. • If you are caring for your aging parents while still raising your children, as the Pew Research Center estimates 1 in 8 middle aged Americans do, your double –duty challenges create excessive level of stress. You must find ways to de-stress through good self-care, time off and help from others. • Accept that sadness, guilt, fear, frustration and anger are unavoidable emotions in your challenging situation. Find people who share your lifestyle with whom you can discuss your emotions and receive support, validation and help. • Invite other family members to help - it lightens your load and enriches them as caring individuals. • Affirm yourself for being loving, responsible and a proud adult child who models for your children and others how to act and be a decent human being. Thursday, December 11. 2008
How to get your partner to help you ... Posted by Offra Gerstein, Ph.D.
in A. Tools for Couples Happiness at
16:17
How to get your partner to help you shoulder the load
A common source of discontent in relationships is the perceived imbalance of shared responsibilities. When one, or both mates feel disgruntled about doing more than their fair share, the relationship is seriously impacted. Creating a mutually satisfactory balance in task distribution is essential to the individual happiness of each mate and to the preservation of the couple’s connectedness.
Historically, the traditional family structure with the male working outside the home and the female being in charge of the home and family delineated the roles very clearly. Today’s model of dual-earners, with or without children, leaves the rest of life’s chore division unregulated. This uncertain state creates confusion and hurt about unmet expectations that often breed disappointments, overwhelm, resentments and chronic ill feelings between partners. Some mates bitterly complain about a partner who is viewed as an insufficient contributor by labeling him/her, “irresponsible, immature, selfish, lazy or simply disrespectful.” The unhappy spouse often asks, complains, gets frustrated and angry and may even resort to name calling and character assassinations. Why should house chores be such a source of animosity and fights? It may not be the lack of participation that is the source of trouble, but the meaning it has for the overworked mate. When anyone feels overwhelmed, the natural response is to seek help, particularly from a loved one. When this is not forthcoming, feelings of hurt, resentment, abandonment, and insignificance are evoked. These emotions may cause the slighted one to attack, shame or demean his/her beloved, as the partners become disconnected. Gender differences also play a role in evoking different emotional responses by men and women. Patricia Love in “How to improve your marriage without talking about it”, describes it as follows: “Men have an instinct to provide and to protect. Males hone their survival skills by competing, ordering, directing, confronting, doing, bragging, and threatening. When a man cannot provide and protect, he usually feels inadequate and shameful.” When a woman criticizes her male partner for insufficient participation, and the man experiences deep shame and inadequacy, he is more likely to become angry, resistant and confrontational, rather than cooperative and accommodating. Dr. Love describes women as having “an instinct to tend and to befriend” and in conflict they tend to feel “stressed, upset and fearful”. Women connect through talking. Being accused, disapproved of or discredited by a partner is likely to make a woman feel displeasing, isolated, very fearful, and silenced - not a state conducive to habit change. Dr. Love found the major cause for divorce and/or separation to be disconnection between the mates caused primarily by resentment, which follows withdrawal of interest. To prevent a loss of connection, women who are dissatisfied with their man’s participation are wise to: • Abstain from accusing, name-calling and berating. It evokes shame, which creates withdrawal and blocks motivation for change. • Avoid using demanding, controlling language, tone or posture, it makes him recoil. • Appeal to the man’s need to provide and protect you by appreciating what he does do and asking him to extend it as away of caring for you. • Underscore your forthcoming appreciation for his future participation and be effusive when you receive it. Men who seek greater participation from their female partner are wise to: • Abstain from showing anger- it frightens and distances her. • Avoid questioning her about time management and efficiency, or demand explanations. It will only make her feel inferior and defensive. • Tell her how much you value her and avail yourself to listen to her with respect and caring. • Express how well cared for you will feel and how much emotionally closer you can become with greater participation on her part. Understanding what hurts and what heals your mate and acting accordingly, can secure a more equal relationship with an enhanced intimate connection for both of you. Thursday, December 11. 2008
Smart politics is a psychological ... Posted by Offra Gerstein, Ph.D.
in I.Politics and Psychology at
16:16
Smart politics is a psychological campaign
The debate about what makes people vote the way they do is timeless. The view that the unlike-minded person is strange, unwise or confused by selecting the other candidate is common. Since political votes are not based on issues, what truly makes one a Republican, Democrat or an Independent and what can a candidate do to sway some to his/her side?
In addition to all the political scientists, pundits, analysts, reporters and interviewers, psychological researchers have also entered the field of study related to political stances of individuals. Both social psychologists and neuroscientists have contributed new findings as to the source of one’s political persuasion. Jonathan Haidt, Associate Professor of Psychology at the University of Virginia, writes: “Conservatism is a partially heritable personality trait that predisposes some people to be cognitively inflexible, fond of hierarchy, and inordinately afraid of uncertainty, change, and death. People vote Republican because Republicans offer "moral clarity"—a simple vision of good and evil that activates deep-seated fears in much of the electorate. Democrats, in contrast, appeal to reason with their long-winded explorations of policy options for a complex world.” David M Amodio and colleagues in “Neurocognitive correlates of liberalism and conservatism” identified the specific brain activity that correlates with greater liberalism. It supported what political scientists and psychologists have theorized that, “On average, conservatives show more structured and persistent cognitive styles, whereas liberals are more responsive to informational complexity, ambiguity and novelty”. Beyond the innate personality and electrical brain activities that may determine one’s political predispositions, additional factors come to play. Haidt adds that “Feelings come first and tilt the mental playing field on which reasons and arguments compete.” Robert Putnam in “E Pluribus Unum” ("From many, one") pointed out that people’s sense of belonging and shared community is an additional essential factor in determining individuals’ political choices. Interestingly enough, regardless of one’s innate personality structure and neurocognitive brain activity, the psychological issues purported by these scientists parallel Maslow’s ‘Hierarchy of Needs’ theory of human motivation. Needs start with the essentials of food, shelter and clothing, (physical security and stability), followed by belonging needs, (the connection to the whole), and only later come the needs for self –actualization. It appears then, that the candidate who hopes to win has to: • Understand that voter decisions are primarily based on emotions – not issues. The main emotional assessment is how will you, the candidate, best serve me- the voter. • Address the basic human needs universal to all people. Begin with security, stability, and safe physical survival for the majority of people. • Use unifying language that assures us that you will provide sufficient group protection for our essential needs, such as health, education, and social security. • Deal with the emotions that propel our decisions more than with the logic behind the options. For example, most people get repelled by negative advertising, as accurate as they may be. • Maximize your likeability, veracity, appeal and image. These traits evoke our strong emotions of familiarity and trust. • Admit mistakes, errors and untruths. Americans are forgiving when they encounter humility. • Since every person wants to feel important, recognized and valued, address us in a personal and affirming way. Look into our eyes, not at us. • Use enthusiasm, positive energy and direct appeal to increase our voter confidence and hope. • Speak clearly and directly about the benefits to us rather than attempt to impress us with complicated and incomprehensible plans. • Respect the savvy of the average voter by documenting the funding sources for all your promised programs. It reduces fear, disbelief and mistrust. • Above all, be as human, real, personable and familiar to us as you can. This helps us feel that you are close enough to us to understand our needs and that you care enough to be there for us as a good parent always will. Thursday, December 11. 2008
Procrastination delays improving ... Posted by Offra Gerstein, Ph.D.
in A. Tools for Couples Happiness at
16:08
Procrastination delays improving your relationship
Many unhappy couples spend needless months and even years in distress about their relationship, while making no or little effort to remediate their unsatisfactory state. Though they are very clear about their unhappiness, some individuals procrastinate in initiating the conversations needed to begin bettering their connection. Overcoming the harmful and self-defeating procrastination can more speedily help couples become happier.
Most people tend to procrastinate on occasion about executing tedious, uninteresting, difficult or unrewarding tasks. Yet, there are people who tend to procrastinate on a more regular basis. Researchers identified two types of procrastinators: “The tense-afraid type” and the “relaxed pleasure-seeking type”. Dr. Fiore describes “The tense-afraid procrastinators” as people who fear success or failure, feel overwhelmed by pressures, are unclear about goals, lack confidence and blame others, are unrealistic about time, indecisive, fearing judgment and may be perfectionistic. Drs. Solomon and Rothblum portray “The relaxed type” as avoiders who distract themselves from tasks to fend off stress, dismiss challenging undertaking and concentrate on “having fun”. Drs. Ellis and Knaus label this type as the “easily frustrated, self-indulgent procrastinator”. Drs. Sapadin and Maguire classified procrastinators into six subcategories: The “perfectionist”, the “dreamer”, the “worrier”, the “defier”, the “crisis-maker” and the “over-doer”. Whatever the classification of procrastinator types, the researchers agree that the common emotions propelling procrastination are: fear of failure or fear of success, anger mostly about control, dislike of the task, and pleasure-seeking. The first challenge for procrastinators is to understand that not acting, though it may seem temporarily pleasant, actually exacerbates and compounds their future discomfort and may even doom their relationship. Dr. Gottman reports that only 10 percent of couples who divorce seek professional help prior to parting, and they do so after six years of being unhappy. Surely, the grief of the six years could be alleviated and the issues may be positively resolved by earlier intervention. Initiating conversation about your discomfort with certain aspects of your relationship is a very difficult task. It evokes fear and uncertainty about the process and outcome of this discussion. Mates fear their partner’s reaction and possible perilous immediate decisions. So they find it easier to resort to silence and hope that the relationship will just improve on its own. Those who procrastinate may be trading the discomfort of the moment for a longer, more chronic unhappiness. The first step is usually the most frightening. Most commonly, if you are gravely unhappy in your relationship, so is your partner. Starting the dialogue may actually bring about an instant relief to both of you and an intimate moment of intent sharing about your wish to restore your love. • If you are the relaxed, pleasure-seeking type, use your distaste for unpleasantness to propel you to act now and decrease the duration and depth of your unhappiness. • Recognize that silencing your expression of need for harmony and postponing it to the future, deprives you of the current pleasures you may delight in having. • If you are tense and afraid, turn your worries and self-doubt to optimism and confidence by visualizing the best possible scenario. • Abstain from negative self-talk that begins with: “I have to, I must, I can’t, It won’t work, I don’t know how, I’ll fail, I don’t want to, you can’t make me, I just need to relax, have fun”. Substitute these for: “I am choosing to, I can, I’ll succeed, I want to accomplish, I am an adult and in charge of my life.” • Diffuse your anger by realizing that your partner is not your enemy, abuser, or the source of your unhappiness. You are the owner of your dissatisfaction and your partner’s love for you can assist you in creating a happier union. • Reassure yourself that your loving intent and caring words will most likely encounter an equally motivated partner and lead to a better relationship. Sunday, September 14. 2008How to spark your creative thinking
We all know some people whom we identify as thinking “outside the box”. Employers seek creative thinkers since they offer innovative solutions that seem to elude most other people. However, new research suggests that the capacity for creative insight may also be learned.
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Sunday, September 14. 2008
Where has the unconditional love gone? Posted by Offra Gerstein, Ph.D.
in A. Tools for Couples Happiness at
19:24
Where has the unconditional love gone?
So much has been written about what love is, what people seek in finding love, who is the best partner for whom, and how do you really find and keep the love of your life? All these and many other questions about love have always preoccupied humanity.
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Sunday, September 14. 2008
How to identify your child’s ... Posted by Offra Gerstein, Ph.D.
in E.General Parenting Issues at
19:23
How to identify your child’s learning style
From birth, parents are attentive to their child’s developmental progress and delight with every new skill and accomplishment their youngster masters. There are general timetables for children’s developmental milestones such as, crawling, walking, talking, and reading, among many others. Some children who do not attain the scheduled milestones are diagnosed with a learning disability. (LD)
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